Relationships with guys – 1 thing I’ve learned
A few days ago I found myself again in a very familiar situation as something similar has happened to me several times already. I just came home from a trip to Bratislava where I went mostly because of a guy I started dating not that earlier before.
I mean, sure, the unexpected changes played a big role in my decision, too. Staying at home those days where teaching yoga was not possible (usually I do teach up to 5 times a week when there but we didn’t have a free room that week) and where our apartment building was undergoing reconstruction (read super noisy for any online work) made me think going to the capital to spend time with a guy was a good thing to do. I took it all as a sign. Plus, he had a free apartment those days just to himself. How many more signs did I need to spend 10 hours on a train to get to Bratislava?
So I forgot about everything and appeared there. But after a few days it turned out it was not such a good decision and I was angry with myself I didn’t listen to my intuition which was telling me to leave after the first 4 days but stayed for another 4 anyway. My bad!
Anyway, a very similar situation has been repeating itself in my life for many times.
Always the same relationships with guys…
I have to admit I’ve worked on it so much that I thought it would not come back ever again. I believed I have changed many aspects of my behavior, became calmer, learned to listen the other person before reacting… And most of all, I thought I’ve learned how to finally love myself and was sure about not letting any man make me feel like I don’t deserve better just because he can’t keep his word, he can’t show his love enough or simply because he can’t be MAN with capital M when being with a woman.
Boy, was I wrong!
Yet another man has showed me I still sometimes put men in front of me, my habits, my lifestyle, my hobbies, my values, my friends and my family…
Yet another man has showed me I prefer to spend time with him instead of working and doing my things first and then giving him my (very little, mostly non-existent) free time…
Yet another man has showed me it is not worth it and because he doesn’t appreciate my time it makes me feel like shit. You know what I mean… It looks like my time is not precious.
It took me years of the same attitude from men to realize I am indeed attracting it.
Maybe somewhere in between the lines I am showing my time is not valuable because I can work any time from anywhere and if I don’t work for a week I can catch up with it a month later. To me it means freedom, to others maybe my time is not important.
Maybe I am showing I don’t need to spend time with my family and friends that much because I am on the road a lot anyways so they are used to it; and I should be used to seeing them very rarely, too.
Maybe I am showing many more things I am not even aware of. Maybe somewhere deep inside me I don’t believe that the way men treat me actually says loads about them and not about me personally.
… But if the first guy I ever thought of getting married to left me in NYC at 2 am alone at the streets of Brooklyn after I flew from Slovakia to the US to spend a month with him, then I am doing something wrong. (You remember my Independence day?!)
If another guy I arranged 3 months of traveling for so he could go with me, couldn’t handle the situation 3 days before we were supposed to leave on the trip and he let me go alone, then I am doing something wrong.
And if now the last guy didn’t appreciate that I dedicated him the whole week leaving all my work, friends and family in need behind, then I am really doing something wrong.
Maybe I should “work” on my self-esteem and self-respect even loads more.
Maybe I should finally understand that sometimes changing everything because of a guy (and I do not mean after years of a relationship) is not good in his eyes. For me it means I really want to do anything I can just to be with him. But for him it might feel like I am pushing it too much. He might think I cannot do anything without him. He might think that despite of my free lifestyle all of a sudden I do depend on him. And although it’s not true at all, maybe I am the only one who can see the real reason behind why I give all my time to a guy.
Maybe I just really care about him…