Travel – running away from something? On suicide, death and more
Listening to the song Supergirl of Raemon, the lyrics ”supergirl don’t cry” just help me to be strong right now. I decided to write probably the most personal post ever, even though it hurts like hell! But it still explains a bit one of my reasons to travel.
There have been so many posts all around and conversations about the topic if many of us travel just to run away from something or to forget about something and similar things. Yes, many of us do. And one of the three main reasons why I travel is my personal family life.
If you think that my life is perfect (and I bet many of you do think so!) just because you see pictures of me in bikini laughing and jumping at a different beach every week ... then yes, this is true. I am laughing all the time, even when I am angry or sad. But behind a cute smiling face, there is a lot of pain inside. And this is exactly one of the main three reasons that make me travel.
It was back in 2006 when my amazing brother, a year younger than me, 20 year old at that time, committed suicide. Yes, unfortunately. Why??? We have not found out so far. It was the biggest shock ever for me and all my family members. It was exactly during my exam period at the University when I had to pass the exams to get the B.A. degree.
All the parts of me started to hurt, even those I had never thought existed! I do not wish this feeling to anyone. No more poking and joking around with my lovely brother ever again. I could not even say goodbye to him. I did not see him for 2 months before it happened (I studied in the Czech Republic 600 km from my home town) and I felt guilty for this. I still can’t explain how bad I felt those days. There is just no word for that pain. I spent weeks crying as I am an extremely sensitive person and everything for me is just about the feelings. Even traveling, I remember just the moments that evoke some emotions in me.
After the incident with my brother, it all came to me. It was then when I really realised that staying at home will just for ever remind me of those very sad months. And I deserve to be happy, right?!
Exactly that summer, my Czech boyfriend of that time just did not want to understand why I was always sad (just after 1 – 2 months after my brother died) and once he said something I really did not want to hear: “Why are you sad? You behave as if something happened!” Just one stupid sentence but it shot my heart straight in the middle. Right after I heard that, I broke up with him. And I started writing that famous list of mine of my ideal man which after 5 years reached 55 points.
Before I could even recover somehow from my brother’s suicide and break-up with my ex and put myself together at least a bit, my parents divorced. Another big shock for me! It all happened in less than 10 months and was still working my ass off to get my M.A. degree. I just could not wait to finish the University finally and travel the world. Not only to forget about all the bad things from the past, but because of the two other reasons. I love traveling, it is my greatest passion ever. And second, all my family life just really opened my eyes so I was completely aware of the fact that we all have just one life.
ONE SHORT LIFE and no one knows when it is going to end or what is going to happen tomorrow. It is the biggest cliche but still so true! I started enjoying every single minute of my life, every single detail that seems absolutely unimportant at the first sight, but then it is all just about the small details.
A beautiful sunset at the beach, goose bumps when a hot stranger smiles at you on the train, the smell of flowers in the garden, birds singing in the morning, breathing fresh cold air when you wake up early, the view of the mountains from a cable car, atmosphere in a crowded city … or a simple hug or kiss from someone from your family or friends. It is never about the material things, and if there are still plenty of you with the material things as the main reason of your life, I have to say I don’t envy you. I actually feel sorry for you.
But why am I writing this post right now? Just to show you all that everything has advantages and disadvantages and bad things happening in my life just make me much stronger inside and make me travel permanently to enjoy the only life I have.
Today is the funeral of my uncle Miki who died 2 days ago of stomach cancer, we were extremely close to each other and it is just one of many shocks in my life. I knew I was not going to see him any more when I left Slovakia and got to Thailand to start my 3 month Asia trip … and let me say, it was breaking my heart apart to leave home knowing that. And now it is even more painful.
I just want to dedicate this post to Miki and to the smile always on his lovely face! To those years we spent together laughing and when I was telling him about my weird experiences that seemed so unbelievable to him. This post is just dedicated to the most generous person I have ever met in my life. He would give you everything he had. Now, when he left us, I want to give him all my love back, even though I can’t attend his funeral as I’m in El Nido, the Philippines right now.
My heart will always beat for this great person, although his heart stopped beating on the 23rd November 2011.
I try to remember that everything happens for a reason and all the bad things happening to the family members I truly love open my eyes more and more and each time I just realise that the reason of my life is to travel …
Am I running away from life? Travel – running away from something? Maybe. Most probably it is the pain in my heart I want to forget about with traveling.
Or maybe I just know now I want to enjoy my life. I deserve to enjoy my life. You never know when it can end … CARPE DIEM!