Travel – running away from something? On suicide, death and more
Listening to the song Supergirl of Raemon, the lyrics ”supergirl don’t cry” just help me to be strong right now. I decided to write probably the most personal post ever, even though it hurts like hell! But it still explains a bit one of my reasons to travel.
There have been so many posts all around and conversations about the topic if many of us travel just to run away from something or to forget about something and similar things. Yes, many of us do. And one of the three main reasons why I travel is my personal family life.
If you think that my life is perfect (and I bet many of you do think so!) just because you see pictures of me in bikini laughing and jumping at a different beach every week ... then yes, this is true. I am laughing all the time, even when I am angry or sad. But behind a cute smiling face, there is a lot of pain inside. And this is exactly one of the main three reasons that make me travel.
It was back in 2006 when my amazing brother, a year younger than me, 20 year old at that time, committed suicide. Yes, unfortunately. Why??? We have not found out so far. It was the biggest shock ever for me and all my family members. It was exactly during my exam period at the University when I had to pass the exams to get the B.A. degree.
All the parts of me started to hurt, even those I had never thought existed! I do not wish this feeling to anyone. No more poking and joking around with my lovely brother ever again. I could not even say goodbye to him. I did not see him for 2 months before it happened (I studied in the Czech Republic 600 km from my home town) and I felt guilty for this. I still can’t explain how bad I felt those days. There is just no word for that pain. I spent weeks crying as I am an extremely sensitive person and everything for me is just about the feelings. Even traveling, I remember just the moments that evoke some emotions in me.
After the incident with my brother, it all came to me. It was then when I really realised that staying at home will just for ever remind me of those very sad months. And I deserve to be happy, right?!
Exactly that summer, my Czech boyfriend of that time just did not want to understand why I was always sad (just after 1 – 2 months after my brother died) and once he said something I really did not want to hear: “Why are you sad? You behave as if something happened!” Just one stupid sentence but it shot my heart straight in the middle. Right after I heard that, I broke up with him. And I started writing that famous list of mine of my ideal man which after 5 years reached 55 points.
Before I could even recover somehow from my brother’s suicide and break-up with my ex and put myself together at least a bit, my parents divorced. Another big shock for me! It all happened in less than 10 months and was still working my ass off to get my M.A. degree. I just could not wait to finish the University finally and travel the world. Not only to forget about all the bad things from the past, but because of the two other reasons. I love traveling, it is my greatest passion ever. And second, all my family life just really opened my eyes so I was completely aware of the fact that we all have just one life.
ONE SHORT LIFE and no one knows when it is going to end or what is going to happen tomorrow. It is the biggest cliche but still so true! I started enjoying every single minute of my life, every single detail that seems absolutely unimportant at the first sight, but then it is all just about the small details.
A beautiful sunset at the beach, goose bumps when a hot stranger smiles at you on the train, the smell of flowers in the garden, birds singing in the morning, breathing fresh cold air when you wake up early, the view of the mountains from a cable car, atmosphere in a crowded city … or a simple hug or kiss from someone from your family or friends. It is never about the material things, and if there are still plenty of you with the material things as the main reason of your life, I have to say I don’t envy you. I actually feel sorry for you.
But why am I writing this post right now? Just to show you all that everything has advantages and disadvantages and bad things happening in my life just make me much stronger inside and make me travel permanently to enjoy the only life I have.
Today is the funeral of my uncle Miki who died 2 days ago of stomach cancer, we were extremely close to each other and it is just one of many shocks in my life. I knew I was not going to see him any more when I left Slovakia and got to Thailand to start my 3 month Asia trip … and let me say, it was breaking my heart apart to leave home knowing that. And now it is even more painful.
I just want to dedicate this post to Miki and to the smile always on his lovely face! To those years we spent together laughing and when I was telling him about my weird experiences that seemed so unbelievable to him. This post is just dedicated to the most generous person I have ever met in my life. He would give you everything he had. Now, when he left us, I want to give him all my love back, even though I can’t attend his funeral as I’m in El Nido, the Philippines right now.
My heart will always beat for this great person, although his heart stopped beating on the 23rd November 2011.
R.I.P. Miki!!!
I try to remember that everything happens for a reason and all the bad things happening to the family members I truly love open my eyes more and more and each time I just realise that the reason of my life is to travel …
Am I running away from life? Travel – running away from something? Maybe. Most probably it is the pain in my heart I want to forget about with traveling.
Or maybe I just know now I want to enjoy my life. I deserve to enjoy my life. You never know when it can end … CARPE DIEM!
Anthony
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Wow. Thanks for sharing something so personal and I’m really, really sorry for your loss.Your attitude is admirable; admitting that you’re carrying a burden of pain inside you, but still marching forward and seeing beauty whilst you travel.
Major respect.
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Comment@ Anthony:
Thank you! You have to live your life to fullest, doesn’t matter how hard it can be!
Marky
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Sad to hear about this Alexa. My condolences to you and your family. I’m sure your uncle and brother is proud on what you are doing discovering the world and setting out your own journey in life.
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Thanks a lot to everyone! And to being able to travel, too :)
journeyingjames
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be strong dear! indeed carpe diem…
hugs…
Jane
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Alex, I am sorry that you had to suffer such pain from losing your brother and uncle but I totally agree with you about travelling. I have found it to be a fantastic way of escaping from problems especially when I break up with a boyfriend. Whenever I go off on a long trip or return from an adventure then it feels like I have a fresh start – it really cleanses my soul so I don’t know where I would be without travelling – long may it continue! Your posts are so interesting because you write in such detail about all the places you visit so thanks for writing such a great blog.
Honey
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I can understand myself a bit better after reading your personal post. … Yes, this never ending desire to travel might be caused by the heady feeling of the relief experienced when running away from the problems or the past. Yep, agreed.
Toni
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Lovely post. So heartfelt and honest! I love the line: ‘Am I running away from something? Maybe. Most probably it is the pain in my heart.’
I ‘ran away’ last year to Asia for three months and when I came home felt AWFUL because I realised that what I was running away from, I was carrying inside me. This year, I ran away to Africa and found myself after years of heartache, bad times and depression.
As you say, everything happens for a reason and as I always say:
If you never experience the darkness, you can’t appreciate the light.
Jerick
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When I was living as an expat, this was one of my fears- getting that dreaded phone call or email. I don’t know how to react if it happens to be honest, but will probably have my blog as well as my outlet.
Thanks for sharing this very personal post, and I’m sorry for your lost. El Nido is a good place to be alone, so I hope that paradise will be in someway uplift your spirit!
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Comment@ Honey:
Many of us do. We have to deal with the bad things somehow. And traveling is one of the best ways, better than alcohol or drugs, for example ;)
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Comment@ Toni:
True, we enjoy the good times much more after experiencing the bad ones!
Micamyx|Senyorita
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Just stay strong, my tough girl. To be honest, I didn’t really know how to comfort you when you found out about Miki’s death when we were at the coffee shop. It sucks that these stuff happen when we’re far away from home, but it shouldn’t be the reason for us to stop with what we love doing. At least you had some good memories with him and i’m sure he is happy and proud of you right now. I only know a few who would leave their fulltime jobs to pursue traveling alone. Go girl! :D
fotoeins | Henry
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The best revenge, the best way is to live the life you want to live.
I’m traveling for the entirety of 2012, because I know I’m “on the run”, and in a way, I’m avoiding what awaits for me “on the other side” of the year of travel. I’m staying clear for most of it, and yet, I’m not, because one reason for traveling this next year is to confront and figure out just what it is I’d like to do next. As I’ve said before, in a few weeks, I’m going to leave behind work, country, and the career I’ve spent the last 17 years honing and crafting.
So, yeah, I’m “running,” and I have no problem with it.
Mach’s gut, Schöne!
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Comment@ eleni:
Thank you so much, Eleni! To be honest, I don’t know myself either how I can manage to be away all the time and not with the people I love … but then every day I just meet nice people like you who make it easier ;) Anyway, even after all this I am still laughing all the time and try to be positive … That’s the way to be ;) Not easy, tho…
eleni
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dearest Alexandra,
My condolences for your uncle. Since I met you I kept wondering how you do it! How do you manage being away from all your beloved friends and family and how do you manage to be so positive in life? I also kept wondering whether you are running away from something. Well, perhaps we are running away from something, and when I say we, I mean us who are still dependent on materials and not carpe diem:) May God rest his soul, and may God be with you at all times.
xxx
Eleni
Alfonso
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Te mando un abrazo muy fuerte Alex.
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Comment@ Jerick:
You can’t imagine how scared I was every day when it comes to phone calls and messages … But life sucks at times and we just have to do anything possible to keep living and enjoy it! Thanks Jerick for your kind words :)
Aussie on the Road
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I’m so sorry about your brother. I had no idea :-(
I’ve dealt with my own depression for many years – both on and off the road – it’s a topic very near to my heart. Thanks for being brave enough to share your experiences with it.
crazy sexy fun traveler
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Thank you so much, everyone! It really means a lot to me! Yet, still so painful … but I love Philippines and Mica, I’m glad I was with you and your cousins when I found it out, I love you guys!
thepinaysolobackpacker
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my deepest condolence to you and your family. may he rest in peace. :( thanks also for sharing a portion of your personal life, i know it’s hard, i dont really share personal story online as well but i understamd you must be going through a lot of pain now that’s why you wrote this. pls stay tough and i hope you enjoy your trip in the Philippines. too bad wasn’t able to meet you. *powerhug*